�Fine, I guess.�

�Really? You looked a little upset when I walked in.�

�Just girl stuff, you know how that goes.�

�Ok.� Pulls me close, �I�ve missed you.�

�I�ve missed you too.�

Bites my ear, �I�ve really missed you.�

I switch the water to cold.

I slept for a few hours, which is more then I�ve had in a while. I had a strange dream; it was a replay of one I�ve had before that I ignored. It was a dream that played out this past week to a T. Was it a message for me that I didn�t want to accept at the time? I guess it was. The thing is, that I dreamt it almost four months ago� It wasn�t one of those dreams you wake up and forget either, it always nagged at me, and I ignored it. I don�t like paying attention to things like that. I curled up in a ball and listened to Benny�s steady breathing. A few times, through out the night, he would pull me close and say something in his sleep. I would lean my head back against his chest and hear his heart beating. Finally, after many hours of lying quietly, I got up and headed for the shower. It was almost 8, and the sky was dark with clouds. I pushed one of the plastic blinds aside and watched water trails slide down the glass window. I stood under the showerhead, letting the water disinfect me with its tremendous heat. I looked down and noticed my skin turning beat red. I turned the knob towards the middle and sat underneath. I was there for a while, just soaking in the warmth, trying to heat the terrible cold I was feeling. I noticed I had to get some Drano at the store today; the tub was filling fast. �I�ll also need to get toothpaste and some conditioner.� I finally got out of the shower and Benny was there, combing his hair.

�Good morning.�

�Good morning.�

�Sleep well?�

I lied. �Slept great. You?�

�Yeah me too.�

He watched me towel off and apply moisturizer.

I smiled. �What are our plans for today?�

�Oh, I�m going to Rob�s. We have to figure out the sound board better.�

�Oh.�

�How about you?�

�I need to get a few things at the store, then I�ll probably try to make sense of the place.�

�Good Idea. Have you been eating? You�re getting thinner.�

�Oh, yeah, I�ve been eating fine.�

He made a face, �Get dressed, I�m going to feed you before I go.�

�I�m really not hungry right now.�

�I didn�t ask.�

We sat in a booth across from each other. I kept getting lost in thought, and tears kept trying to push their way out.

�What�s the matter?�

�Damn sinuses.�

�Oh, are you out of Claritin?�

�Yeah, I�ll get some today when I go to the store.�

�Good Idea.�

He ordered for me; green tea and French toast. He always knows what I need. We discuss politics and get heated over the discussion of Socialism. Everything seemed normal. I sip my tea and take a few forkfuls of toast. The rain starts coming down harder and I remember another time when I stood in the rain, feeling regret and a tremendous loss. I smile at Benny, �Do you know how much I love you?�

�More then I will ever know,� he replied automatically, �and do you know how much I love you?�

I answer �More then the world can understand.�

We leave and I walk slowly in the rain to the car. Letting the cold chill me, so I could feel something, anything other then this numbness. When we get home I lie on the bed and curl under the covers. Benny sits by me and places a hand on my forehead. �Are you not feeling well? You don�t seem to have a temperature. Just stay in bed and relax for a while. I should be home before 8 tonight. Then we can do something.�

�How about tomorrow morning? Maybe we can go to church together and take a walk to the park.�

�Can�t. Have to be at Anduzi�s at 7 tomorrow morning.�

�Oh.�

�We can spend time together when I get back.�

�Can�t, have practice.�

�Oh.�

�We have the rest of next week to spend time together.�

�Monday and Tuesday I have Fireman training.�

�Wednesday I�m meeting with Leann for the Wedding Stuff.�

�Thursday I�m going to Rob�s to get the Van.�

�Well I guess it will have to wait till next Friday.�

�Ok, well I have to go. Love you.�

�Love you too.�

I watch out the window as the car leaves the parking lot, and I�m alone again. Always alone, it reminds me of something someone very dear told me. "I tend to do that a lot." I cry. I curl up in a ball and start to read a book called Dreamer. I caress every page as I turn it and I get lost in its world for a while. I almost forget the numb ache I�ve had as of late. Half the day is gone and I haven�t done anything. I manage to get my self in front of this damn computer and write this entry. I�ll probably go back to laying in bed and looking up at the ceiling some more. I�ve gotten really good at that.