I kind of figured it out in the beginning of October. I wasn�t sure so I kept quiet. I thought if I just ignored the morning sickness and kept on with my life, it would all just go away. I wanted it to go away. I was in a band, and I had to stay thin and �sexy�. I wouldn�t be able to do that if I was pregnant, right? I was terrified, but I was unbelievably happy. I would wake in the mornings and put my hand over my stomach and sing stupid lullabies. I bought the shoes on a whim. It was as if I knew, but didn�t. I would think to my self �What the hell are you doing? You look like a moron. You�re not pregnant. You are becoming delusional.� Being delusional was a good excuse for the way I was feeling. So I stuck with that, delusional and completely in denial. I blamed my morning sickness on a virus and my evening euphoria to being in a happy marriage.

It was a Friday afternoon. I felt more sick then usual. I ate some crackers and laid down on the bed. Zoe was just a kitten then. She was acting strangely. She would run all around the apartment knocking over stuff. I was getting really frustrated with her. She knocked over the vacuum cleaner that was propped up in a corner. Annoyed, I got off the couch to pick it up. That�s when it hit me. Like a train railing me over. I know I was standing one minute, and the next thing I know, I�m lying on the floor. I don�t know how long I was there, but I do remember Zoe licking my arm.

I didn�t go to the Hospital. I just sat in the shower and cried. Even when the water was so cold I couldn�t stand it, I stayed there. Anything to wash it away.

For the longest time I thought I committed murder. It was my fault. I wasn�t eating right. I was taking cough medicine for a cough I had, and now I had to tell Benny. That wasn�t exactly easy. At the time, he wasn�t the most understanding individual. He wasn�t mad about it, he just got really distant. I don�t think he believed me. I had trouble walking and yet I had to go to band rehearsal. I was bitched at for �not being in the game�. I couldn�t tell these people, I didn�t trust, what happened.

I was unemployed, so I had a bunch of time to myself, time that drove me crazy. I became vicious towards Benny, and I neglected every aspect of my life. I wrote a bunch though. Stuff I still can�t look at. Some of it is just frightening. I was in a sick state of mind for a long time. I was bitter and getting worse as the days went by. The good thing was that the band I was in was really busy. So we just rehearsed every day. It felt good to do something other then mope. It was hard putting on a �mask� every day, but it got easier. That�s when I started disliking the people in the band. I would smile with them when they were in the room, but I tried not to be around them too much. I think they sensed it. Which probably explains them ousting me out later. But, that is a different story for a different time.

Wow, this is the first time that I have had the guts to even write about this. Sure I wrote about it, but never with the intention of having someone read it. It has a healing quality to it. I still feel really guilty and I can�t help but get emotional when I see Lane, Smurf or Bill�s kids. My kid would be two this year.

His birthday would be in July or August. A summer baby, like me. Last year February, I finally came to terms with it all. February is a special month for me and I like to do something special for �Who Might Have Been�, this time of year. It�s both his and my birthday, in a way. So�

Happy Birthday, Sweetie. Mommy loves you.