Reading: The Shelters of Stone by Jean M. Auel

Listening to: S.C.I.E.N.C.E. By Incubus

Feeling: Melancholy

One day at a time.

One day I�m feeling good.

The next I want to slit my wrists.

I have an awesome support system but my depression seems to be taking over.

Good thing they have pills for that.

I told my counselor that I�m afraid of being alone.

�What if I decide to do something stupid?�

That�s when �the pills� were brought up.

I don�t want to be medicated but sometimes things become necessary.

Even with the depression, this is the happiest I have been in years.

Granted, the person I was is now dead, I�m starting to warm up to this new skin I wear.

I�m beginning to like her a little.

I took some time and read back through my diary the other day and I can�t believe how much in denial I was. I was trying so hard to convince myself that my life was happy. Yet there were those entries that would just give everything away. Those little words, placed in such a way, that it seemed that my pain was just dieing to seep through. Just dieing to let it�s self be known.

Benny called me yesterday. I was on my way to see a movie with one of my number one buds. He wanted to talk about how he, �fucked up.�

�Can I call you back later tonight?�

What could I say to that? No? �Sure.�

Well he didn�t. I�m relieved. I really don�t have anything to say to him. I�ve said what had to be said, and now we both need to accept it and move on.

All of those things I felt for him before died along with my old existence. Granted I still care about him and I still wish the best for him, I just can�t see myself pretending to be in something that doesn�t exist to me anymore. I did that already; I can�t do it anymore.

I�m going strawberry picking today, John�s taking me. It will be nice to get out of the apartment for a while.

After that I have my band practice. Sometimes I think that my music is the only thing that keeps me going. My music and my brilliant and wonderful friends.

I�m going to get through this.